Ripple in still water

There is a road, no simple highway,
Between the dawn and the dark of night,
And if you go no one may follow,
That path is for your steps alone.

R. Hunter

Yesterday sister in law finally gave birth, so I went over to her house and cleaned it up, brother in law was grateful. On the way home, I realized in my eagerness to help my inlaws, I forgot to cook dinner for my own family, so we stopped at the market. I picked up a few things to get us through the weekend (we still need to do real grocery shopping) and I started my Target shopping list while I threw dinner together.

Dh was unimpressed by the meal and commented that our own house needed cleaning and I hate it when he makes those not-so-little comments, so I began tidying up. Which led to doing laundry, washing the hardwood floors, dusting and changing sheets. I was too tired to continue after cleaning the bathroom toilets, so I'll wash those floors next week.

It was then Dh decided that I need a better schedule to help me manage housework better. I know what he's saying, oftentimes I get distracted and don't bother, until the weekend. I understand that weekends should be family time other wise why stay home at all. I might as well be working, he not so gently explained.

While I bristle at his observations I also see the truth in them and find myself resenting them more. Back in the day when I lived by myself, I would spend roughly 5 minutes each evening tidying something up--not cleaning mind you, just getting rid of the clutter. Waking at three am wasn't so bad then either. Would it make family life better to put myself on a schedule? What about the children--would they benefit from a more structured life too? I find the answers obvious but also not easy to deal with. It sounds like work, and frankly I'm not good at that anymore.

Still, he might be right about all this. Life is too loosey goosey, the kids spend too much time watching TV and playing video games. I probably spend too much time surfing the web, looking up stupid stuff and chatting online. Maybe this schedule idea is worth thinking about?

When did I become so resentful toward my husband that even good ideas end up sounding like bad ones? Is it because I'm depressed and undiagnosed? Would a diagnosis somehow give me a excuse for my apparent laziness? As I reach deeply inside to answer these questions I consider right or wrong replies, especially to resentment question. Yes, I am resentful, when did it happen, I'm not entirely certain, probably when he started leaving me notes of daily tasks. Especially when some friends mentioned they thought that was a horrible thing for him to do--and they found it incredibly insulting. So did I really but I kept silent because, rather than express to him how demeaning it was, I just learned to live with it. When I did explain it to him finally, he stopped and frankly so did my housework; that's not entirely true. I just found I enjoyed the freedom to do more with my time and the chores went on the back burner.

Now he just leaves notes when he needs me to do extra things and knows he won't be able to call me during the day.

As to my depression questions, no it's not that; but rather it is that I'm just lazy and would rather sometimes spend time doing nothing or watching something stupid on TV than running the vacuum cleaner. I do cook nearly everyday, but that's to be expected since my Dh doesn't get home early enough to do that anyway, and again why should he, he works all day earning money for us to live on. I'm the one that doesn't earn money, so the household chores should fall on me to do it's only natural--isn't it?

Why am I stalling? Because I'm hurt that I'm such a failure. I have a problem about dealing with confrontations, but I guess I'm learning that the confrontations don't have to be with other people; I can't even confront myself.