Have You Heard the Latest?

Anna Nicole Smith is pregnant and to be expected the father is male. Whew, that’s a load off my mind; I was worried she got herself knocked up during that lesbian tryst reported in the Enquirer. However, as to be expected this leads me to a new rant. Has the baby replaced the Chihuahua as the latest celebrity accessory?

Hollywood certainly has gone baby crazy, with a huge boom but it does beg to ask why on earth are these self-absorbed, detached from any type of reality, still feel so compelled to reproduce? Is it the G-d factor that compells them to procreate someone in their own image? I’m sorry but the planet doesn’t need anymore whiney, sniveling Paris Hilton’s running around, thinking and believing they endowed to something more in life just because Daddy (or Mommy) makes a fortune. If you were her father wouldn't just want to slap her or something (a better question is why hasn't he)? I’m sure Anna Nicole Smith will get lots of gifts, like the obligatory Gucci baby bag, which the baby actually fits into much like those small cutesy purses for the aforementioned poor-left-out-in-the-rain Chihuahua dogs. Maybe shopping for baby things is more fun than buying clothes for that Chihuahua, but don't they understand that Chihuahua's don't live as long as humans so you can start over every decade with a new one. Well, I guess if they fuck up raising a baby, it's really the nanny's fault and they can just ship that child off to boarding school.

Actually the Chihuahua dog to the celeb on the go, is no different than having a baby. Think about it.

I love it when celebrity’s talk about being “hands-on” parents. Uh huh. How many soccer mom’s you know drive around in a tricked out Hummer (yuck), have a day nanny, a night nanny, a personal assistant, chef, house keepers, etc? Yeah, they’re just like you and me. Uh huh. They are paid to appear on the cover of Good Housekeeping and pretend (they are actors after all) their lives are just as hectic as the typical working mom. Of course the typical working mom doesn’t make 10 MILLION dollars for 8 weeks of work.

Another thing I love is when they talk about how celebrities lose the pounds after pregnancy. Their chef prepares the meals and their personal trainer tells them how to stretch for 4 hours a day, of course, while the nanny watches the baby. Must be nice. What I really wish is they would stop acting like they are the girl or boy next door, and say…”yeah, I’m overpaid, and it’s stupid, you shouldn’t listen to a single word I say because I don’t know anymore than anyone else.”

Which leads to celebrity pontification on whichever subject they feel passionate about it, and normally for the Hollywood crowd that entails of bashing Bush, and talking about how horrible the war is. Again, uh huh. Don’t get me wrong Bono running around the world talking about the plight in Africa is nice of him, but when he spends bookoo dollars to have his favorite hat flown from the UK to Italy shows me that he’s seriously out of touch with reality.

Even the greatest songwriter in the world, John Lennon, was assbackwards when it came to possessions. Telling people on one hand to shirk them, but on the other hand, hording them for himself and living in complete luxury. I remember back in 1985 when Bruce Springsteen was touring, I went and saw him Oakland, Ca. I felt so lucky to get tickets, way up in the nosebleed section (I’m not shitting you, I was 4 rows from the top). The day was incredibly hot, I’d gotten drunk on peppermint schnapps, vomited and passed out all before the show began. By the time the show did start I was completely sober, and bored. He talked about the plight of the homeless and told us (I felt like a minion) to give money on our way out for the homeless and also played some songs in a half-ass way.

Uh huh. I remember that show the was at the time, the most expensive I’d ever been to, I had already purchased the program book and I think a Tee-shirt, and now he wanted me to donate to the homeless????? Sure, he got his first. I should have thrown all that crap into the donation box. The point is I paid good money to hear him perform, not to listen to him pontificate to his captive audience for 15 minutes about how horrible the homeless situation is, which I was well aware, before Mr. Springsteen came to town, was pretty bad.

In that regard Bono did something right when he came to our area to speak about international Aids issues, he booked himself for a night at 100 dollars a pop to hear him speak (just speak) about it. I would much rather pay that 100 bucks to hear him talk than pay the same hundred bucks to go see U2 and hear him blather on for 15 minutes about it.

What about when a celebrity finds G-d? If I have to listen another minute about the fucking Dali Lama, or the bullshit of Kabbalah, Scientology, or whatever other dumbshit religion there is out there—I’m going to scream! I don’t give crap if that fuckwit Richard Gere fucks the Dali Lama in the ass! I really don’t but I don’t want to hear about how much money he’s spent on him either, nor do I want to h ear about why I should give a dime. Fucking Dali Lama is obviously living better than me anyway. Same is true for that major fuckwit Tom Cruise and his Scientology tent.

I don’t want to hear about any more celebs reproducing for their personal gain in the press, pontificating about dumbshit or even valid causes, and I don’t want to hear their version of the truth about anything. This would also include most news people. Make that all news people. I’m just as sick of hearing about them too. Their job is read the fucking news! That’s it! They just read it the news and look nice while doing it. They don’t write it, but they do have a tendency to invent it as they go along.

Which brings me to the final thought for today, about that Today show broad moving to host the evening news…or whatever. Who the fuck watches the evening news???? Sure people still watch local news but national evening news? What with every fucking cable news network reporting the same shit all day long, I really wouldn’t mind another episode of Deal or No Deal instead.

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