No Excuses, but Lots of Reasons

I'm Not a Country Girl

I'm sorry I've been MIA lately but Spring has literally exploded around me and I'm finding that I don't like it. At the risk of alienating me further from my friends I'll proceed with my story. So, one day I'm cleaning out the under-the-sink area of all the crap that falls behind the garbage because Rainbird and Co enjoy using the can to play a Jenga. The idea being that they stack as much as possible on top of the can and whoever adds the final item that causes it to topple must empty it.

Can I Get a Latte To Go With Those Sprinkles?

So, as I said, I'm cleaning it out when I notice all these little dark things at the bottom of the cabinet. I say a prayer to my Spaghetti god, "please let those be chocolate sprinkles. No such luck they were most assuredly mouse droppings and it was gaining access through the opening behind the cabinet where the pipes come in. To make matters worse we've been yelling at the dog for hanging out by that cabinet! He sits there staring for hours and we thought he'd gone nuts, which by the way, everyone living in this house eventually goes.

Figures The Dog is the Smart One

So I frantically call Rainbird at work, then ran to the bathroom and vomited upon returning I took out a bottle of bleach, removed everything from the cabinet, donned gloves and started cleaning. Now what's really scary there wasn't enough poop there to close a restaurant but there was enough for me to freak out over. Husband gets home and finds some expandable stuff you spray, kind of looks like shaving cream but hardens. What really pissed me off is that he didn't have to buy it…We already had it! I've been telling him for a while now that I thought something was going on and that the dog doesn't normally act like that. I pointed out the area where they could OBVIOUSLY enter and he would just say to me in a condescending tone that he gets whenever I ask him to do anything around here that doesn't involve his fucking basement project, "there is no way they can get up here."

UH Huh

So meanwhile the dog is running around extremely proud of himself but he's still hanging out in that area. Naturally husband didn't put any poison back there so we would occasionally hear things, like scratching. Then silence and the dog goes back to laying on sofa at night and I breathe a silent sigh of relief.

Return of Dumbass

A week later he's back to staring at the cabinet, and I'm checking it constantly, emptying the garbage daily to avoid the Jenga mess, banging around the kitchen at night. I even left lights on, so it's obviously my fault that our extended day light savings time is a failure. After a few more weeks had passed I'm fairly confident that the dog this time is crazy, but I continue to check and find nothing.

NO! Tell Me It Isn't So

Then one day Piss-boy while putting clean silverware into the drawer tells me that he thinks there is mouse droppings in there. Sure enough we found 2 and that was enough for me, I removed EVERYTHING from all the cabinets, figuring that Jerry Mouse was climbing on the mountain of crap under that cabinet to get access to my silverware drawer and it should be noted NO food is stored there. I found a few droppings in some plastic containers, and one in my sifter so all those things were just thrown away without remorse. Everything Pyrex, metal or ceramic was washed in the dishwasher using the power wash setting and extra soap. Every cabinet was cleaned out thoroughly with bleach just in case but nothing else was found and bait was thrown under the cabinet.

You Can Say I Purged

When all was said and done, I filled one very large garbage can and three large garbage bags filled with plastic containers and other garbage I didn't want anymore. It was like moving in all over again, except without the boxes, I even went out and bought shelf paper and put that down but that was really just an excuse because I was really afraid to put anything back. Each day I would check to see if there was any new activity and found nothing, I would sweep the floor several times a day checking through the dog hair and dust looking for any trace that they had found their way into the kitchen but found nothing. The countertops were packed with all the things that should be inside and cooking was impossible, well eating was impossible too since the kitchen table was packed. I would remove everything and rotate searching for traces on the kitchen countertops, but thankfully found NOTHING.

How Do People Live Like This?

Nothing I found in my kitchen even remotely compares to what I've seen on some shows on TV but the few I found was enough to send me over-the-edge into freak-out-land. Still, I lived this way for weeks afraid to put anything back into the cabinets until everyone started rebelling against me. So, I started placing things, making sure nothing was too high under the main cabinet, in the hopes of thwarting any future ones from gaining access to the drawers above. I repurchased food that was in the other cabinet, even though I found no evidence of them, but simply because I couldn't stand the idea of eating anything wrapped up or not that came from any cabinet in the kitchen.

As I Was Saying…

In the beginning of this entry, I said I was tired of nature because no sooner did we get rid of our rodent problem, but I noticed a woodpecker stealing my Dusty Miller (plant) and carrying it away to my attic! I ran upstairs and heard it scratching around probably building a nest. So I started banging on the ceiling and it flew away, fucking A I'm at war here against nature of all kinds. A mouse might have invaded the sanctity of my kitchen but damnit all I'm not having any baby woodpeckers pecking at the inside of my house.

She Bangs, She Bangs

You'd think they'd get tired of being disturbed, but the woodpecker isn't easy to evict but I think I'm winning because I haven't heard anything for a few days now, I just have remain vigilant in this and not let them think I've forgotten about them. This morning I was assessing my Dusty Miller and decided that it will live as long as those damn birds leave it alone.

Meanwhile Back at the Ranch…

Rainbird drained the hot tub, you know, our seven thousand dollar planter box and when he filled it was working fine, except one of the panels wasn't working right. He called the hot tub place and they came out to make "an adjustment" but while they were here, they noticed the power wasn't on to it. The hot tub water was heated but the circuit was tripped. Rainbird was convinced that the guy did something to it but then he noticed the lights in the basement weren't working right either. The hot tub place told us the repair guy thought there was a circuit issue with either the sub-panel or the main box in the garage.

Your Number Came Up in a Lottery; We Work Today

Rainbird promptly called an electrician we know, who said he'd come by on Saturday, the day before Easter. We were home anyway so he said fine, but then the guy called, and said that he couldn't make it because of Easter…So he said he'd come on Monday. He then called on Monday saying something came up, and he'd be here on Tuesday. Guess what happened Tuesday?

Today, Wednesday, he finally showed up. Right now they're scratching their heads and discussing breakers and other nonsense and have decided that a new junction box dealy is needed. Rainbird sends me to the hot tub place to get one, which I do, and choke back the $ 230.00 bill. That's a lot of money to spend on a glorified planter box, but of course the 7K it originally cost wasn't chicken feed either.

Back To Hating Nature

So, I'm on the deck being nosy about what Rainbird and the kid (electrician) are talking about when I hear this noise, I swear to the great Spaghetti Monster it sounded just like a prehistoric insect buzzing by my head. I freak out and turn in the direction to see a hummingbird. What the fuck? Was it looking for nectar in my ear???? I scream and it flies away, Rainbird calls up what was wrong and I said I want to move to the city because I can't take this crap anymore. He flew up the stairs to make sure I was just kidding (I'm only half kidding) and I sufficiently let him know I am not serious.

Imus You're Fired

At least from MSNBC who have pulled Imus' morning simulcast from their lineup. Personally I found Imus about as interesting as Jay Leno anyway so I could really care less. That all being said, people claim he's said similar things before, but since I don't watch his show or listen to it on the radio, I wouldn't know that for sure. He really should know better though and I don't believe that he's embarrassed about his comments. He's been on radio long enough to know to avoid foot-in-mouth disorders of all kinds. In any event Imus is somewhat a liberal good old boy, so I'm actually surprised at the fervor over his comments. Normally such fervor is reserved to conservative talk show hosts, I mean if Bill O'Reilly made a similar comment they'd be asking for his head on a platter. But if Rosie O'Donnell said them, she'd get a pass and maybe even applauded like she was when she started spouting off about Tower 9 and her "…first time in history fire melted steel..."

Here's a clue for Rosie…Steel is actually made using fire not pixies or the gas from Elmo's ass.

© 2007 Whimsical Ranter
All Rights Reserved